Jess

nite_of_tears @ 2009-08-03T17:01:00

2009-08-03T22:04:29Z

Where have I gone?

I think I disappeared for quite a while. I'm back; more me than I have been since Joey shattered my heart. It's been a long time since I've been this honest with myself, and I really am appreciating it.

My life is very much the same as it was... trying to find love and logic through the fog of human deception. Wrestling the demons of my better nature and the consequences of my well intentioned idiocy. I struggle to balance all I mean to do with all I am required to complete. I know I can succeed, but it is a challenge, most days.

well I'll be....

2009-06-08T17:27:07Z

A new year deserves a new post.

I weigh less now than in any other year since graduating High School.

Work is wonderful - a new boss was all I needed to create a brilliant, amazing and altogether wonderful environment for me. The hours continue to stretch into insanity, but I don't mind.

Volunteer work goes well, though the reticense of the international community to do exactly what the hell I'm telling them to do is pissing me off to an alarming degree currently.

I am being heavily recruited to AMUN. WTF?

I can't complain. Life continues in its random patterns and I scramble to keep up with it all. I wish I had more to say, but all I'm thinking about is the rainy grey day outside and how I wish the weather didn't reflect my heart so readily.

Sometimes strangers reappear

2008-10-02T19:41:24Z

So I'm sitting in a den in the Twin Cities right now. I've been here since Monday, my birthday week going not at all according to plan, and yet I am content. I am loved by friends, by family, by Someone.

I spent hours walking through a tunnel aquarium. My hands were perpetually on the glass as sharks swam within inches of my fingers. Nikki and I fed the sandtiger sharks, and the devil rays... and a couple guitar fish. One shark, a big girl named Jessie, actually became a bit of a celebrity when she got another shark stuck in her mouth. She snapped at a smaller shark as it swam in front of her, and it got caught in her back-curving teeth. She was lovely, as were the sea turtles, and the puffer fish, and the tangs, and the coral, and the darling black tip reef sharks.

Food adventures have abounded, as have phone interactions with Nathan. This has been wonderful. Spending time with two people I adore, arguing about Law.... I actually get to go to the Law School tonight to hang with 1Ls and enjoy the Great Debate. It's going to be amazing.

long time no see... how's your mom? anything new? well, here's with me...

2008-06-14T23:18:16Z

I'm headed to Chicago Wednesday. Flying in at 10:45 am, staying until Thursday nite. Going to see the city a bit, spend some time... I'm going with Shaun, which is disturbing, but I'll muddle through I hope. The highlight of the trip will be going to see Paul from "Hotel Rwanda" speak. It will be impressive, I hope. I've missed feeling connected to that aspect of my life -- it will be wonderful to be back in that.

I have lost a considerable amount of weight. Mom now calls me "Skinny Minnie."

Work continues to be 12-14 hour days. I also have other responsibilities (like the dog sitting I am doing right this second) that are entertaining, though somewhat time consuming.

I need someone to believe in me again. I need to feel encouraged and inspired, and remember that I can, in fact, do what needs to be done. I'm so close to getting my book done. I should just sit down and do it. Maybe that's what I'll do with my week off in July -- I don't know. I miss being believed in. I don't mean by my friends.

These are the thoughts, these are the actions and movements. People so dear to me are just out of my hand's reach, and sad though that makes me, somehow I still stretch in hopes one day I feel their hands again. The world is changing, and I think I have a larger part to play yet in the way it is evolving. As it stands, I'm working on what I can.

the missing

2008-05-19T16:17:21Z

I've missed people. My Aaron, for example.

I spent the majority of Saturday re-working friendships that had fallen to the side on my superhighway of life... I anticipate a change in my immediate future, and in order to get my priorities straight, I did my best to re-affirm how much I care about people, regardless of how much time we've spent together recently.

I also spent the day fighting with Stark. Not entertaining, though I think it was beneficial. He's winging his way to Italy right now, though for the life of me I cannot discern why I am sitting in the States as he's doing so. I think if I went there would be much bloodshed... and for once in my life I'm thoroughly convinced it would all be mine. Odd, isn't it?

I wish I had more exciting, engaging news to share. As it stands, I am preparing for a slew of visits from family and friends who have not been near me in ages. I've missed being this social, just as I've missed loving all the people I do. I know my life is changing, I know I am changing... it's a wonderful feeling and I'm proud of myself. I just cannot help the mild apprehension that as I change, I discover new worlds that may be far less wonderful than the one I can see right now.

Update

2008-05-16T01:26:40Z

I spent three hours on a hike through a park in Joplin this past weekend. The boy was incredibly sweet, with a few notable exceptions.

Mom's doing ok. Not great, but ok. I'll take that.

Dad's doing good.

Chrissy is getting excited about her wedding. It's a little (lot) gross.

I'm wearing pants I haven't worn in over 3 years.

I think there are some things I will never understand. Like why I'm turning down the opportunity to fly to Italy to spend time with the boy while he's there. I'm an idiot. But I just can't.

In other news, I'm working on the job thing. I think I've got it sorted out.

I want a puppy. I'm house sitting right now, and these dogs are wonderful, but I would really love just one of my very own... a black and white shih-tzu named Elwood, for example.... ;)

quickie

2008-04-20T17:01:56Z

I admit it, last week was a BAD week.

Today is a good day. I'm concerned that it is in no small part tied to the 3 hour conversation I had last night. I hate letting things like that change my perspective so drastically.

In other news, the KC trip is rapidly approaching and I am more than a little geared up for it. Friday night was fun, flirting with Bryan, and last night was a lovely chat, but I think surrounding myself with people who love me, regardless of whether or not Barley shows up, will be very positive.

Seeing Zach and Cari (though I'm fuzzy on if she gets to come) is going to be AMAZING, and I can't wait to play wif that puppy dog Maddie.... *sigh* I heart puppies.

Yes, I admit I'm in quite a bit of trouble in matters of the heart. I'm ignoring it. It's all going to be fine.

why did Auntie Jessie get drunk tonight?

2008-04-17T23:22:03Z

Today has been a no good, horrible, very bad day.

I am ready to retire, or quit, or something. I need change.

Help me? Shoot me? Love me, and tell me the bad people who said "no one likes you" are wrong?

You don't have to do any of those things. I'll get over it. I just needed to say that I am more disappointed in myself, and the place I held so high, than previously possible.

outta my funk, into my element

2008-04-11T15:23:57Z

I didn't want to write again until I'd heard news, or at least calmed down enough to be rational.

Life is ok. Monitoring is going on. Everyone is sure I'm fine, except Barley amazingly enough. Isn't it funny that the one person I didn't want to tell is the one person who has the word-for-word identical reaction I had? But that is immaterial. I don't care; there are larger tragedies in life than the potential end of my time here. I would rather enjoy what time I do have than worry about what time I don't.

Who talks on the phone for 7 hours?! Who actually, honestly, stays on the phone with me for 7 hours?! AND THERE WERE NO LONG AWKWARD PAUSES! WTF, mate?! About 2 hours of texting, followed by 4 hours on the phone, and another hour of texting. WHAT THE HELL!

I can't help it, I'm a little excited today. Not only did I have another lengthy talk last night (with an admonishment to get in contact again this lovely Friday), but I also have a party tonight.

For one night only, in my itsy bitsy apartment, VEGAS NITE!!!! WOO HOO!!!

Ginger-lime chicken strips (cut up for ease of serving)
Tropical Shrimp Kabobs
Grilled Fruit
Veggie Platter (not me)
Chicken Wings (not me)
Dice-shaped Cheese Ball (not me)
Mojito Pitcher
Peppermint Ice Cream Pie with chocolate sauce

I think I plan a damn fine menu!!! The theme of the food I have control over is "green and rich." Tonite's entertainment includes the movie "Rounders" and lessons on how to play whatever style of poker is requested. I even called Danny last night to refresh some of the finer points of Omaha, though I HATE that damn style of play. I'd rather play pot limit stud, which incidentally makes me gag.

At any rate, I am VERY enthusiastic about tonight. I need to go buy the rest of the groceries and pray I have enough rum for everyone. This is gonna be GOOD.... ;)

Next week, Dr. Poppa Smurf is retiring. Technically, today is his last day. I am saddened by the prospect of this. I am also amused, as it gives me a solid opportunity to drink and be merry (with several young, handsome and unattached doctors) at a local hotspot. I'm thinking the black silk shirt, the dark jeans and the black stilettoes. *nods* I'm a bad, bad, bad girl. I just want to have a good time. I think this will accomplish it.

please remain calm

2008-03-24T15:30:14Z

I get that I over-react.

This is not one of those times.

I won't go into details, and I'm not trying to scare anyone, but within the past week, I've had to deal with some very scary and very upsetting things. My Will is now a Legal Document, and my funeral arrangements have been addressed.

It's entirely possible these steps will be rendered unnecessary this week. I certainly hope that is the case.

If it is not, however, I do want to record for posterity the love I feel for all those reading this. I've been repeatedly assured that I will be fine and it will all be ok, but something in me isn't letting me fully believe that. I can't shake it, and I know enough to follow my heart on such strong hunches. I've been crying nearly non-stop for almost a week, and my family is handling this as best they can.

I love you. I promise I'm ok right now. I'll update more as I know it.

and some days are just beautiful

2008-03-11T23:12:07Z

Yesterday was a beautiful day. Snickers came to visit. We hung out, had a yummy lunch at Applebee's, then went and saw The Bank Job. I was impressed and amused with that particular film. We drove around and apartment hunted for her, then had dinner at the ASTOUNDINGLY AWESOME Irish Pub downtown.... *heart* Yeah, I'm in deep smit with that particular place.

Yes, I had a long and lovely discussion yesterday. Yes, I can't stop smiling about it. No, I haven't attempted contact since. Yes, I'm keeping my heart in check. No, I don't want to. Yes, everything will be great.

Stewie talks to you when you call my phone. Yay.

happy sigh

2008-03-10T15:25:49Z

I cooked Jamaican Jerk Chicken with Spicy black beans and rice for Nanci on Saturday. Dessert was Peppermint Ice Cream pie with Chocolate sauce. Total calorie count for the FULL meal, including the 2 slices of pie we both had? 843. :) I am a badass and I love my "cooking lite" cook book.

The house is gorgeous. I mean, seriously, it's AMAZINGLY clean. I'm almost afraid to live there....

I woke up this morning and focused my eyes on my night stand. I'd forgotten that, in the middle of pictures and momentos, I'd placed the long stem white rose I was given in a bud vase. It was captivating, fragrant and gorgeous as I stretched and thought about my day.

I am a very lucky, very happy girl.

a Friday Five for fun

2008-03-07T16:47:39Z

1. What is your all time favorite book?
A Moveable Feast - Ernest Hemingway

2. What is your all time favorite movie?
To Have And Have Not

3. What are you reading right now?
The Art of Happiness - His Holiness the Dalai Lama

4. What is your favorite show on tv?
These days, the only one I watch is the only one I'm ashamed to admit I watch.

5. What is the last movie you saw in the theater?
Sweeney Todd And I may go see The Bank Job this weekend, if only because I've fallen in smit with Jason Staitham.

giggling stolden from Tessy

2008-03-05T16:59:36Z

a weekend of ruined plans and I couldn't be happier

2008-03-04T18:42:03Z

That was, officially, without question, one of the best weekends I have had in so long I don't remember. Let's recap, shall we?

Friday

Friday night I got a lot done, puttering about the internet. On my way home from various places abroad, I decided Steak -n- Shake was a good idea. Happy with my chili and small strawberry yogurt shake, I was nearly parked when my phone rang. It was Shaun Shaun the Leprechaun. He asked if I wanted to have dinner with him. I offered to throw my food in the fridge and meet him.

Dinner was delightful. We laughed and talked -- the waiter was sweet. After dinner, we went to Shaun's parents' home. To die for beautiful! Three pianos.... I melted... We talked, we laughed, we went through his classic book collection, which nearly killed me. I fell apart a couple times with the first editions he had. While chilling, my phone rang. It was Eamon, calling to talk about the happy news from Monday. (He got accepted to the London School of Economics!) I promised to call when I was back at my place and returned to watching hockey with Shaun. We laughed and talked for a little bit, and I mentioned my fleeting desire to fly out to NYC to celebrate Eamon's accomplishment with him. Shaun's dark little Irish eyes lit up and he responded, "How would Joplin feel about that?" My amused laugh told more than I intended, and he wheedled me for the story.

Joplin was acquainted with a staff member I will henceforth refer to as Elo. She is a vegetarian, and therefore of interest to me so I could get some "non friend/ I'm saying this just so you don't punch me" feed back about the food selections for non-meat eating delegates. After conference, I sent her a message asking her thoughts on the food subject. No other allusions were made, and I had no desire to talk about Joplin with her. At conference, she'd hugged on him repeatedly enough that others asked if they were together. Her response was, "No, I know way too much about him for that." And Joplin just shook his head, keeping mum on the subject. Her response to my email was as lengthy and detailed as I had anticipated. She included suggestions I didn't need (I already have a list), and some "hints" about the anemia accompanying vegan diet strategies. At the end, she mentioned hickeys on Joplin's neck, asking if I knew anything about how they got there. I replied in dismay, thanking her for the food information and pointing out that I had nothing to do with Joplin's hickeys, so thanks for the heads up. I also mentioned I hope I passed the initial "so, you like my friend..." interview and that Joplin is lucky to have friends looking out for him enough to ask a total stranger about hickeys. Her reply was apologetic, admitting she hadn't know my lack of involvement and warning me about Joplin's nature. Her description included, "very self-centered" and "a jerk." It was, in general, unflattering and ended with the admonishment, "I would suggest not trying to get anything from Joplin except friendship." She also apologized for "upsetting you." Amazed, I wrote back that it was fine. I mentioned that boys are not worth getting worked up over, and offered the information that the status of the situation is this: he was very sweet to me, we're talking, that's it, that's all. I also suggested that everything would be fine, and that we should talk another time.

Now, my initial reaction to all this was, "Well, I'm done." I was more irate that I was being gossiped about than anything else, readily assuming that he had suggested I had given him said hickeys. I quickly let that burn off and remembered my other interactions with Elo during conference. She had not been one to accept me as "friend," especially during our conversations about other guys. Having been unimpressed, I seriously began to realize I was latching on to an opportunity to sabotage whatever situation is developing with Joplin because I was scared of the implications therein. I also had no desire to let anyone outside of Joplin and I alter the course of whatever Joplin and I are becoming. So I began to let it go. But the knowledge began to push at me, and I felt dishonest withholding the truth of the situation from Joplin.

Getting home from Shaun's, I got ready for bed and decided to call Eamon. He was happy and chatty until I brought up his kissing session with Elo. He was upset that so many people had discussed it, himself finding no reason for it to be important. I mentioned that it seemed to raise questions such as, "Is this the beginning of a relationship?" No sooner had the hypothetical question escaped my lips than Eamon's exclamation of "GAWD I hope not!" trumpeted in my ears. I laughed delightedly and went on to discuss my dilemna with Eamon. I told him how I felt at the time, saying simply, "All I really want to do is say, 'Hey. I got this unsolicited advice about you, and I just wanted you to know this is what was said, and it's kind of weirding me out. That's all.' That's all I want to say." Eamon pondered this a moment and said, "Jess, that's a really mature way of handling the situation. Why don't you do it that way?" Oh, how to explain that even with the disclaimer, I've had just such discussions explode into "Why were you asking my friends about me?!" Eamon finally understood, mentioned I should still do it, and we moved on to other topics.

Eamon and I ended up talking for just over an hour. We ranged all over the place. I was very honest and tried to be sweet. He was equally honest, and seemed amazed that I was so fast to be honest with him. "I appreciate that, Jess. It's nice to have a conversation between People, with a capital P." I thanked him for the compliment. We talked about adoption (a shared reality, though circumstances were not the same), as well as feelings about relationships. We had a lovely talk and when it ended at around 2 am, he very sweetly said, "I'll call you soon!" I congratulated him again and hung up.

Left to my own devices, I began to wonder just how Joplin would react to direct honesty. By and large, my best attribute (in my humble opinion) is my willingness to be honest. Having served me well in the past, I decided to give it a shot. Before passing out from exhaustion, I sent Joplin a text asking him to call me when he got a minute.

Saturday

The next morning I was up early (8 am) to go play with the Kitties. I dressed in a white t-shirt and a pair of jean shorts with the internal understanding that I would see no one so the outfit I would never normally wear was in no way a big deal. I did a double take as I walked by the mirror. Not only did I look adorable, I also looked incredibly happy. Further encouraged, I gathered up my writing materials and made the trek to Snickers/Fluffy's apartment.

Curling up on the couch, I attempted to set to work on my novel. Dismay soon colored my face as I realized that I had, in fact, no way to work on it. Frustrated, I reclined on the sofa and enjoyed a luxury I am out of the habit of enjoying: cable television. While reclining, Karissa called. We had a lovely chat and I pointed out my concerns over having conversations with Eamon I would rather be having with Joplin. Karissa told me to calm down and offered her usually grounding advice before leaping off the phone to save the literary world again.

Playing hide-and-seek with the Kitties around the apartment, I almost missed the sound of my phone going off. I'd received a text message from Joplin. He'd gone to bed very early the night before, and at 11 am, he was just now waking. He very sweetly asked what was up. I replied, asking if I could call him. After 15 minutes with no reply, I sent basic information about a St. Pat's get-together to which he was invited, in addition to the simple sentence: "I got some unsolicited advise about you and wanted you to know." He finally responded that "Sure you can call. Sorry, I was getting a snack."

His voice was unusually deep when he answered on the first ring. My toes curled (I heart bass voices to a disturbing degree), and I mentioned his Barry White-ness. He chuckled and explained that, in large groups, he purposely raises the timbre of his voice so that people are less intimidated by him. I laughed, comiserating on the point of being intimidating, though I admitted I'm baffled by my own intimidation factor. Without hesitation, he said, "Jess, the reason you're intimidating is because you walk around with a smile on your face that says 'I know something you don't know.'" I found that a wonderful description. We talked about his tendency to walk around as though he owned the place, which he admitted, "I do because I don't have that kind of security."

As our discussion of intimidation wound down, I delicately mentioned that I'd received some unsolicited advice about him. With a sigh, he said, "Who gave you this advice, and what was it?" (It should be noted that, at that moment, all I really wanted to do was kiss him) I began by saying, "I wrote Elo an email" to which he immediately responded, "How did I know it was her?" I told him word for word the email interaction. When hickeys were mentioned, he groaned and said, "Oh Gawd!" but I kept talking. When I finished, he sighed again and explained. Elo had developed a little crush on him when they initially met, and after it didn't go the way she planned, she began a 2-faced dance of psychosis which reached such pitch that he no longer speaks to her unless it's unavoidable. We talked about it, he convinced me that she was insane and was to be disregarded, and then said the strangest thing. "Yah know, Jess, I leave her alone. I don't mess with her, and she has to get in the middle of my rel.... my interactions with other people." Having been 'on a roll' and not carefully monitoring himself up to that point, I did my best to brush off the slight slip. I confess a modest smile of hope and nothing more.

The conversation turned to other topics. We discussed dream cars, including a fascinating education he gave me on how the best vehicles ever were built in the 1990's. Apparently, his car affection is reserved for the NSX. I know very little about it, but I certainly began my education Saturday. I cannot remember a more fascinating car lecture in my life, and that's saying something. He was patient with my questions, encouraged my enthusiasm and was patient with the odd gaps in my knowledge. We talked about politics at length, enjoying several common points of theory and belief. We talked about family, towns of origin, even his feelings on having children. His empassioned view of government is impressive: "Government should feed its people, keep its people reasonably safe and provide health care." There were more fine points, and other opinions in there including a lengthy discourse on sex education, but by and large it was the passion with which he spoke that captivated me. We also, at that point, talked about The West Wing. I feigned annoyance, announcing that I would have to completely end my plans for the weekend so that I could instead watch The West Wing. He laughed, saying he often thought of himself as Josh Lyman, sitting at his desk, saying aloud, "Wait... what just happened?" This was part of his explanation for the repeated statement, "Wait, what are we talking about?" He admitted, "Jess, I tend to read too much into a lot of things." At one point, he sighed and said, "I can't figure out how to do it yet. I know the world has to change. As soon as I figure out how to do it, I'll do it." So, yes, if anyone asks, I know the exact sentence that told me just how much trouble I was in.

We talked for 3 hours. At the end of 3 hours, he politely excused himself and admitted he needed to eat. We agreed to talk later, he promised to try to come up for St. Pat's. It was a delightful end to a pleasant conversation.

That afternoon, I went out. I bought "The Replacements" because it had been in my head for reasons passing understanding. I went back to my apartment, watched the movie and had leftovers from the night before. I know I was glowing. I know I was grinning stupidly. I got some looks and even a couple compliments while I was out, but it didn't really matter at all. The evening was lovely. I caught up with Girl Randi, and a couple other people I'd not talked to in months.

Sunday

Sunday I got up early and went back over to watch the Kitties. I had a lovely morning conversation with Meig H. I also called Mom to wish her Happy Birthday. The afternoon was eaten away by the first picnic I've had in years. Erin V. and I went to the park and had chicken. It was wonderful! She and I bonded over guy talk and poultry. There were puppies everywhere, stopping to say hi and beg for food we did not give. Such sweet dogs! I loved all of the little faces... and a few couples were out with their small children. It was incredibly sweet. When coupled with good conversation and some bonding moments, it was a gorgeous day that I can't say I would trade for much else on this earth.

Sunday night, I had a mini-texting war with Joplin over the fact that he can't come to St. Pat's. I had to tell HIM that his schedule was double-booked. It was cute, and he actually texted me the word "Sowwy." Stupid, but adorable nonetheless. So we texted for a bit and wished each other a nice week. I watched another movie late Sunday evening, finished my weekend of leftovers, and realized just how happy I was that all my carefully laid plans had been ruined.

There are some weekend plans designed to be destroyed. I've never been happier with a ruined plan in my life.

quickie

2008-02-29T16:33:05Z

I'm excited about the weekend. Weekend getaways always appeal to me, and this one is going to be far more productive than my captor realizes! *muwahahahahaha* I will be available for comment via phone, but that's going to be about it... WOO HOO!!!

In other news, I love my new glasses. Getting an update in the look is miraculous, to say the least. New glasses (first pair in 4 years), hair got a fresh new look, lost a lot of weight and still losing... YAY! What can I say, except that I am proud of myself? I feel really great.

I'm quite certain I'll have a ton more to say soon, but for now I'm going to delve back into my happy world of daydreaming. Plotting is so much more fun these days... I can't really put my finger on why, but it's outstanding!

another grey day

2008-02-27T16:12:11Z

I thought of Meredith Gray this morning, saying, "I feel like I'm going to die today." There was a dusting of dry snow on my car as I regretted getting out of bed. Building some positive image of the day in my head, I kept returning to the idea that I really should have stayed asleep.

So far, the day has arrived piecemeal in flashes of happy and sad, reflecting the discordant attention I am currently capable of giving. I find myself taking walks in my mind, breathing the cold air deeper as I search the grey skies for hope. I find solace in the salt-and-pepper face of the heavens. No contract in the face of the sky demanding tears or a bright smile. These are the days I relish, when for a few moments I feel I'm allowed to disappear.

As I fade into the cityscape, my evening takes shape in my mind. I'll become a faceless traveler this evening, happily unknown in the neighborhood where two cats wait unknowingly for me. I will play with them, lavishing the love only a surrogate can provide, and attend to a couple small tasks I have promised to complete. I'll slip back to my own small corner of the world just before bed. As I drift off to dreams tonight, I'll look back on my day. There are developments I cannot forsee, there are changes I feel before I know. Today has been a day for change, and tonight I'll sleep on that.

random updates...

2008-02-26T01:04:05Z

Eamon got into the London School of Economics.

I got an offer from an editor to work on my book.

I got a new pair of glasses to go with the new hair.

Yeah, there's a boy, but we're not getting overly excited about that because we've seen what happens in the past...

Cappotelli is doing REALLY well... I'm incredibly encouraged by his progress. The brain scans show nothing surprising, and the limited loss of function is really a positive sign. There are moments in my life when a smile starts in my heart and goes all the way to the outside... this is one of those times.

My brother is getting married. My sister is getting married. My nephew's mom is getting married. It's disturbing.

My world continues to move more quickly than I realize. I hope all works out well.

Friday Five (a bit belated)

2008-02-23T21:45:17Z

Name five...

1. ... things you can't live without.
cell phone
internet access
laughter
puppies
food

2. ... of the best moments in your life.
the birth of my nephew
the birth of my niece
graduating from college
my mother and father telling me they're proud of me
Valentine's Day, 2008

3. ... celebrities you can't stand.
Wow, I actually blanked on this one....

4. ... books you enjoy(ed) reading.
"Snow" Orhan Pamuk
"The Idiot" Fyodor Dostoyevsky
"By Myself (And Then Some)" Lauren Bacall
"The Husband" Dean Koontz
"Odd Thomas" "Forever Odd" "Brother Odd" Dean Koontz (it's a series damnit, it counts as one)

5. ... items in your purse/backpack/on your desk.
Picture of my nephew
Picture of my niece
Picture of Jeff
lip gloss
computer

Location: currently floating somewhere between Cloud 9 and over the moon....

MMUN

2008-02-21T00:32:52Z

How long has it been? Over a week?

I have a Steering Position at Model UN now. Doesn't mean much to outsiders, but for those of us Staffers who can't seem to let go, it's a huge deal. It means that I'm a member of the committee Steering the Conference next year. I'm in an incredibly good mood about that.

I met someone at Conference. Name's Jeff. Sweet, funny, handsome, bright... says he's interested in me, too. I'm trying not to get too excited about it. Going slow is a good idea I tend to overlook, and this one is more than good enough to make me want to go VERY slowly.

Work is good. Had a great talk with The Boss today. We'll see how well it works, but eh. Can't patch every leak the Titanic ever had... The 2 "we hate your procedure" doctors adore me. Especially Dr. Cranky-Pants, who today took to teasing me in a most affectionate manner. Enough to make a girl blush, I swear.

This is my quickie update. Hopefully I'll be more thorough and less prosaic when next I write.

beautiful morning

2008-02-04T15:46:53Z

Fog this morning, like a Carl Sandberg poem. I had no illusions of feline stalking, though one brave tabby caressed a car two spaces down from mine as I wound my way out of the parking lot. The oddly warm air gave the cloud-covered ground a deeper shade of decay, wrapping its woolen tendrils around my neck. Still cool enough to be tolerable, I thought of a wispy woman with flapper hair engulfed in grey fur and silk. Posed delicately with her black net veil over her face and the cigarette holder balanced between long fingers, painted lips, ebony against blood red.

When the city hides away, swallowed by some gaping cloud to heavy to fly above, I can forget how much of this place is broken. On a morning when the looming disease of the city faded, I could pretend I was caught in London and the charm of the streets for once felt less forced, less terrifying in its desperation. I smiled along my drive, relaxing into the stories of London I've memorized throughout my life.

It is a beautiful gray day in my mind, full of shifting shadows that could be friend or foe. These days when nothing is stark except the contrast of gray-on-gray fit like a favorite old sweater. I've needed a day like this for a while, and my only hope is that it is raining when I leave. A clean start, a new opportunity. To mold from the gray of uncertainty something new, something clear, something different. Today is a day for tentative hope.

5 on Soulmates

2008-02-02T19:50:45Z

gakked from Tessy (Friday Five's a little late today)

Soulmates

1. Do you believe you can have more than one soulmate in life?
Absolutely. You have to. Romantic, platonic, intellectual: reality has become too complex for one person to satisfy all the soulmates one requires these days.

2. Are you with that soulmate now?
I have a couple intellectual soulmates that are still close. I had an emotional soulmate who has somewhat disappeared, but I'm trying to rebuild that particular friendship, and as far as romantic soulmates are concerned, I am not convinced I have one.

3. If not, how long did your relationship with your soulmate last?
I'd say just under a year for the ones where we are no longer communicating. Some bonds go on even though contact ceases, and I'm an idiotically loyal person.

4. Do you still think about your soulmate, if you are not together?
I absolutely do. It's amazing how much you can just "feel" each other's thoughts but forget to say what's really important. By the time you get to it, it's way past too late. I think about that a lot.

5. If you're not together, do you think your soulmate still thinks about you?
I've always been amazed to discover anyone thinks of me when I'm not physically in the room with them. I hope for a second here or there, a positive memory of me crosses their minds, but I'm ok if it doesn't. They live in my memory and my heart, and that's all I need these days.

I HATE JEEP COMMANDERS

2008-02-01T16:36:02Z

Yeah, you heard me.

Digging the 8 inches of snow off my car this morning, I was struck by a guy in one of these monstrosities.

"Jess, it was a Jeep! 4 wheel drive and all that!"

Yeah, Jackass didn't have it engaged. Said he thought the roads were fine until he saw my body go sprawling into a snowbank. Good news? The toss didn't muss my hair and I was still sufficiently cute. I know this because he offered to buy me dinner tonight to make up for it. I politely declined, but took the business card with his name, work and cell numbers on it because I could be seriously injured and not know.

One of the guys at work was jealous that a guy hit on me, which is cute until you factor in the age difference (we're talking a good 40 years), and yeah. I've also gone down a scrub size (yay).

I would write more but I'm headed downstairs for Ibuprofen.

I HEART SOMETHING POSITIVE

2008-01-31T20:48:55Z

WELL

2008-01-30T20:36:40Z

Going to Vegas this weekend.

Bring you back some beads or something.

Jess

nite_of_tears @ 2009-08-03T17:01:00

well I'll be....

Sometimes strangers reappear

long time no see... how's your mom? anything new? well, here's with me...

the missing

Update

quickie

why did Auntie Jessie get drunk tonight?

outta my funk, into my element

please remain calm

and some days are just beautiful

*happy sigh*

a Friday Five for fun

*giggling* stolden from Tessy

a weekend of ruined plans and I couldn't be happier

quickie

another grey day

random updates...

Friday Five (a bit belated)

MMUN

beautiful morning

5 on Soulmates

I HATE JEEP COMMANDERS

I HEART SOMETHING POSITIVE

WELL

happy sigh

giggling stolden from Tessy