| beautiful morning |
[04 Feb 2008|09:20am] |
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mood |
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 grateful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Smashing Pumpkins - "Ava Adore" |
] |
Fog this morning, like a Carl Sandberg poem. I had no illusions of feline stalking, though one brave tabby caressed a car two spaces down from mine as I wound my way out of the parking lot. The oddly warm air gave the cloud-covered ground a deeper shade of decay, wrapping its woolen tendrils around my neck. Still cool enough to be tolerable, I thought of a wispy woman with flapper hair engulfed in grey fur and silk. Posed delicately with her black net veil over her face and the cigarette holder balanced between long fingers, painted lips, ebony against blood red.
When the city hides away, swallowed by some gaping cloud to heavy to fly above, I can forget how much of this place is broken. On a morning when the looming disease of the city faded, I could pretend I was caught in London and the charm of the streets for once felt less forced, less terrifying in its desperation. I smiled along my drive, relaxing into the stories of London I've memorized throughout my life.
It is a beautiful gray day in my mind, full of shifting shadows that could be friend or foe. These days when nothing is stark except the contrast of gray-on-gray fit like a favorite old sweater. I've needed a day like this for a while, and my only hope is that it is raining when I leave. A clean start, a new opportunity. To mold from the gray of uncertainty something new, something clear, something different. Today is a day for tentative hope.
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| 5 on Soulmates |
[02 Feb 2008|01:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
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music |
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Bush - "Machinehead" |
] |
gakked from Tessy (Friday Five's a little late today)
Soulmates
1. Do you believe you can have more than one soulmate in life?
Absolutely. You have to. Romantic, platonic, intellectual: reality has become too complex for one person to satisfy all the soulmates one requires these days.
2. Are you with that soulmate now?
I have a couple intellectual soulmates that are still close. I had an emotional soulmate who has somewhat disappeared, but I'm trying to rebuild that particular friendship, and as far as romantic soulmates are concerned, I am not convinced I have one.
3. If not, how long did your relationship with your soulmate last?
I'd say just under a year for the ones where we are no longer communicating. Some bonds go on even though contact ceases, and I'm an idiotically loyal person.
4. Do you still think about your soulmate, if you are not together?
I absolutely do. It's amazing how much you can just "feel" each other's thoughts but forget to say what's really important. By the time you get to it, it's way past too late. I think about that a lot.
5. If you're not together, do you think your soulmate still thinks about you?
I've always been amazed to discover anyone thinks of me when I'm not physically in the room with them. I hope for a second here or there, a positive memory of me crosses their minds, but I'm ok if it doesn't. They live in my memory and my heart, and that's all I need these days.
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| I HATE JEEP COMMANDERS |
[01 Feb 2008|10:29am] |
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mood |
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 sore |
] |
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music |
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Joe - "I Wanna Know" |
] |
Yeah, you heard me.
Digging the 8 inches of snow off my car this morning, I was struck by a guy in one of these monstrosities.
"Jess, it was a Jeep! 4 wheel drive and all that!"
Yeah, Jackass didn't have it engaged. Said he thought the roads were fine until he saw my body go sprawling into a snowbank. Good news? The toss didn't muss my hair and I was still sufficiently cute. I know this because he offered to buy me dinner tonight to make up for it. I politely declined, but took the business card with his name, work and cell numbers on it because I could be seriously injured and not know.
One of the guys at work was jealous that a guy hit on me, which is cute until you factor in the age difference (we're talking a good 40 years), and yeah. I've also gone down a scrub size (yay).
I would write more but I'm headed downstairs for Ibuprofen.
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| WELL |
[30 Jan 2008|02:35pm] |
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mood |
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okay |
] |
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music |
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T-Pain - "Bartender" |
] |
Going to Vegas this weekend.
Bring you back some beads or something.
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| well let's see |
[26 Jan 2008|10:52am] |
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mood |
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 happy |
] |
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music |
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Frank Sinatra - "I've Got A Crush On You" |
] |
I'm a very happy girl.
Friends, family... things are coming together much better than they have been for many, many months. And I'm almost to the point that I'm completely back to Jess.... which is an amazing feeling in and of itself. Work continues to be work, but that's ok. More on the interesting new developments in that particular arena later.
THEN. LAST NIGHT.
I met someone.
Yeah, I know. It's never good when I say stuff like that. But he was an incredibly sweet guy. Name's Bryan. Has a son who's birthday was Thursday (adorable). He spent 45 minutes working hard to impress me, ignoring what he really should have been doing, but I don't care. It worked.
Any guy that laughs, genuinely, when I say, "I want a WOMAN to wear the shirt that says, 'Tell your nipples to stop staring at my eyes!'" Yeah... That's an incredibly positive sign in his favor.
I liked him, a lot, (obviously). I'll keep my mind open and my options clear, but to have someone look at me like that was delightful... and talk to me that way... it's just been a long time, that's all. It was really, really nice.
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| recent life |
[18 Jan 2008|11:16am] |
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mood |
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 loved |
] |
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music |
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J. Holiday - "Bed" |
] |
I ended up going to a wake Wednesday. I don't think I'll ever get that small Irish woman out of my head, or the way she earnestly looked up at me to say, "I know he loved you very much." I didn't have the heart to tell her no he didn't. I'd been close with his younger sister, and her insistance that, "My mom's just trying to hold on to anything that could have made my brother's life happy and fulfilled," kind of broke my heart.
The wake was described to me as a "religious" tradition, set up the day after the discovery of a death, but the more I talk to the one-generation-off-the-boat-from-Ireland family, the more I am convinced it's a family/ regional thing. The drive to and from CoMo for it was cathardic as well, though upsettingly tempting.
When I got the news he was dead, my immediate thought was, "I can't believe that." A guy I've punched for being stupid, a guy I've snuggled next to during movies; that guy can't be dead. Then I mentally checked off the "necessaries" list for the wake. After that, I couldn't help wanting to call AA to make sure he's ok. I know it was odd, but I felt it. Didn't do it.
Tonight I go out with the Ladies to have a drink. We'll be wishing one of our 4 a fond farewell, which saddens me, but I think the photo-collage I put together will be reminder enough of sweeter times for all of us. I also got a gift for the other part of our quartet who is leaving our workplace.
The recent theme has become "Changes." Weddings, funerals, job changes. New phases of life are beginning, and I'm just NOW getting back to where I feel like "JESS" again. It's sad to think I haven't felt this way in almost two years. Two years ago right around June 10th, as a matter of fact. Getting back to me feels good.
I'm going to have a busy weekend of re-arranging and organizing, I think. I'm excited about it. And in the end, I think I'll be better for it all. I may go see Chris B. next weekend. Loaded as that proposition is, I'm still considering it. Mike hangs vaguely in that decision, so I suppose I'll have to decide more than just the Chris B. question this weekend amid moving furniture and putting up photographs.
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| requiem |
[16 Jan 2008|09:01am] |
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mood |
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 sad |
] |
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music |
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Edwin McCain - "Dragons" |
] |
Brad Renfro died last night. He was pronounced dead at 9 pm. Suffice to say it's a personal loss for me, and I hope sincerely that death has brought him a depth of peace he sought but never found in life.
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| still here |
[14 Jan 2008|09:38am] |
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mood |
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pensive |
] |
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music |
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Vertical Horizon - "I'm Still Here" |
] |
A theme is emerging.
"It just goes to show: there's someone out there for everyone" has been said to me no fewer than 7 times in the past 4 days.
Friends are moving to be with their loved ones.
The world seems to have forgotten it's winter, and has sprinted on to spring for most. For my part, I am content to enjoy this false spring and wonder why I'm so happy to wake up with clouds in the sky.
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
and I'm still here?
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[09 Jan 2008|06:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
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music |
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Evermore - "Dreams" |
] |
Tomorrow won't be a happy day for me, so in reverence to the happy day I've had today, I give you...
( The TMI meme )
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| Journeys Begun |
[04 Jan 2008|10:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 mellow |
] |
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music |
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Linkin Park - "Leave Out All The Rest" |
] |
I finished another series of books last night. With attention bordering on distressing, I devoured the "Odd Thomas" series by Dean Koontz. The first was dispatched in a day, and I admit its contents touched me more deeply than I will ever discuss. The second took a slightly longer time to read, mostly because I have had precious little time to myself as of late. The third book was begun and completed last night. Suffice to say, I have a new friend in my walk through life. Literary characters accompany me like ghosts, and often I try to imagine the undescribed portions of their lives when night has fallen and only I am awake. Odd Thomas, strictly born of Mr. Koontz's imagination thought he is, was a delightful character to uncover and I have enjoyed every inch of my journey with him. Wonderful way to begin 2008, to be honest.
I know I've not been on the net much lately. This trend will likely continue until new arrangements are made regarding my place of residence, et cetera. Had I the access previously noted in my life, I cannot say with certainty that I would engage any more than I currently do on a cyber level.
I feel as though I'm denying access. There is no wall, there is no barrier that is so unyielding as my current ability to share my life on a personal level. I mean to exclude no one, nor do I actively seek isolation. I suspect I've lost the words to describe my life as it currently is; though confident in their eventual return, I feel a sense of obligation to carry myself through this. As a friend often said to me when unwilling to share, "This one's between me and Jesus."
Isn't it odd that I should be so confronted by Saint Bartholomew? Probably the least familiar of the 12 Apostles, Bartholomew (scholars are sketchy about whether or not he and Nathanael are the same man) was witness to The Ascension, and was martyred in Armenia. Flayed alive and crucified upside down, Bartholomew was included in "The Last Judgment" by Michelangelo. In the painting, the Saint sits atop a cloud with a flaying knife in one hand and his own skin in his other hand. The skin Bartholomew holds has the recognizable face of Michelangelo himself. Bartholomew, therefore, is the patron saint of Leather Workers, in addition to being the patron saint of nervous disorders. Something to think on, I suppose.
Yes, I saw "Sweeney Todd." My thoughts on that particular movie are my own and given my current reality, best kept apart from polite conversation. My Christmas was fine. My New Year's celebration went much differently than last year, and thus far my year has offered me many surprises and very few disappointments.
I'm at the beginning of a long journey. I feel a pull I've not been able to shake for much of my life. It may, in fact, be time to walk toward it rather than away. Courage is too complex an emotion for me; logic will dictate this new sojourn. I feel as though I will survive. Beyond that, I carry no speculation on any points. Rather than continue my enigmatic thoughts, I will send love to those in my heart and continue on the only road open to me.
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| ho ho |
[21 Dec 2007|03:54pm] |
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mood |
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loved |
] |
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music |
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Staind - "Epiphany" |
] |
Holidays are surrounding me. I have a bunch of pictures I need to post. Last weekend was... well... photograph worthy, let's put it that way.
Tonight is Nanci's Christmas party. Tomorrow is Kathy's birthday. Monday I'm driving home. Wednesday I have plans with Mike... and Andy... and I need to stop by to see My Tessy. Then Friday is Girl's Night. New Year's is going to probably be me, Snickers, Fluff and Puffin. The following weekend is Zach's SuperSecret Birthday party in Indianapolis.... which should be entertaining, if I get to go.
I'm doing ok. Health has been an issue, but I think the cold is fading... as are the bruises... If I don't get a chance before 2008, I sincerely hope the new year brings joy and laughter to all your lives. You have brought joy to mine, and I thank you for that.
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| again HA HA HA HA HA |
[13 Dec 2007|04:15pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
] |
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music |
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Rob Zombie - "Living Dead Girl" |
] |
On the twelfth day of Christmas,  nite_of_tears sent to me... Twelve reliant816s reading Eleven gabrielgs writing Ten gundos a-cooking Nine born_to_mes acting Eight politics a-hiking Seven mastiffs a-swimming Six playwrights a-dancing Five fi-i-i-ireplaces Four shy boys Three classic cars Two irish wolfhounds ...and an ireland in an italy. |
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| time marches on |
[13 Dec 2007|11:48am] |
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mood |
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 creative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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3 Doors Down - "Landing In London" |
] |
The trip was nice. Life continues on. It is becoming increasingly apparent that people are determined to make my brain explode. To these fools I say, "Awe, you have no idea what you're coming up against, do you?" in the most condescending voice conceived.
The writing has begun again in earnest. I'm getting positive about it.
The holidays will be marvelous. I'm getting things started this weekend with the Packers game here. I'm VERY excited about it. I suppose that's all I have at this point.
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| HA HA HA HA HA |
[13 Dec 2007|11:47am] |
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mood |
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amused |
] |
In 2008, nite_of_tears resolves to... Lose ten mastiffs by March. Be nicer to kabbiebar. Learn to play the cinema. Buy new irish wolfhounds. Pay for my shy boys on time. Stop dancing with born_to_me. |
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| quick hello |
[07 Dec 2007|11:38am] |
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mood |
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hopeful |
] |
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music |
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Coarse of Nature - "Caught In The Sun" |
] |
I'm headed out and about this weekend. Traveling the expanses, enjoying friends and new places. Kansas has never been a favorite state of mine, but I spend an increasing amount of time there this past year. The toll seems to steadily increase, and I'm beginning to know my way around cities I never thought I'd see.
I appreciate the calls. I appreciate the concern. People have been amazing lately, and for that I am grateful if not convinced I deserve the attention. I'm doing ok, I promise. Just another thing to make it through.
Holiday cards will be out soon. I'm behind this year, and I know it. Obviously I have been otherwise detained, but hopefully everything will right itself shortly.
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| picking up again |
[01 Dec 2007|08:44am] |
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mood |
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hopeful |
] |
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music |
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Buckcherry - "Sorry" |
] |
Some days it's easier than others to be relaxed and happy.
I am amazed that one well-timed and weak content phone call can work more effectively than most sleep-inducing medication. This rediscovery is astounding. I'm leaving a lot of things alone, on purpose. Most of them are surgeries I can't perform on myself -- too much scar tissue and not enough spiritual morphine.
Daylight eludes me. Coming into work in the dark, leaving the same way. Though I've never felt vampyric, this is pushing it. Soon I'll be changing my life again. I have that to look forward to, I hope. Like Dracula, I suppose, only a return to the place I buried my heart can bring me back from Zombie-like Life, as my existence has become. There are few things in this world I lack when with my most beloved of people. An exorcism and some sleep are all I need before this odd transformation is complete.
Random sidenote -- total weight loss due to stress: 10 pounds. In 2 weeks.
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[30 Nov 2007|12:20pm] |
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music |
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Depeche Mode - "Personal Jesus" |
] |
Sometimes the only way to solve a broken heart is to give up an unsalvagable dream to remember the simpler hopes you forgot you had. I have few details, and even more limited willingness to discuss it currently, but I think I am finally on the mend.
I'm beginning to see things I'd forgotten to notice. I'm getting back to being a good friend again. I'm even working on being a good daughter, again. It's been quite a while since I could breathe. I am cautious, I am hopeful. Taking it day by day and doing the best I can with the time I'm given are the only things I can do.
Yesterday was a 13 hour day at work. I am grateful for the money. I am thankful for the day being as smooth and fun as it was. I am a lucky woman in more ways than I have any right to be, but I'm earning a little of it these days. I promise, I'm working my way back.
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| META UPDATE |
[28 Nov 2007|12:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 distressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Timbaland feat. 1 Nation - "Apologize" |
] |
Guess who has no internet at home?
Guess who's moving?
Guess who's having a breakdown?
Yeah, all me. I hate hospitals... whether it be working in them or being a patient in them.
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nite_of_tears's journal
Dear Santa...