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[03 Aug 2009|05:01pm] |
Where have I gone?
I think I disappeared for quite a while. I'm back; more me than I have been since Joey shattered my heart. It's been a long time since I've been this honest with myself, and I really am appreciating it.
My life is very much the same as it was... trying to find love and logic through the fog of human deception. Wrestling the demons of my better nature and the consequences of my well intentioned idiocy. I struggle to balance all I mean to do with all I am required to complete. I know I can succeed, but it is a challenge, most days.
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| well I'll be.... |
[08 Jun 2009|12:24pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
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music |
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Diana Fox - "Sacred Love" (french) |
] |
A new year deserves a new post.
I weigh less now than in any other year since graduating High School.
Work is wonderful - a new boss was all I needed to create a brilliant, amazing and altogether wonderful environment for me. The hours continue to stretch into insanity, but I don't mind.
Volunteer work goes well, though the reticense of the international community to do exactly what the hell I'm telling them to do is pissing me off to an alarming degree currently.
I am being heavily recruited to AMUN. WTF?
I can't complain. Life continues in its random patterns and I scramble to keep up with it all. I wish I had more to say, but all I'm thinking about is the rainy grey day outside and how I wish the weather didn't reflect my heart so readily.
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| Sometimes strangers reappear |
[02 Oct 2008|02:33pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
] |
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music |
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Kingdom Hospital |
] |
So I'm sitting in a den in the Twin Cities right now. I've been here since Monday, my birthday week going not at all according to plan, and yet I am content. I am loved by friends, by family, by Someone.
I spent hours walking through a tunnel aquarium. My hands were perpetually on the glass as sharks swam within inches of my fingers. Nikki and I fed the sandtiger sharks, and the devil rays... and a couple guitar fish. One shark, a big girl named Jessie, actually became a bit of a celebrity when she got another shark stuck in her mouth. She snapped at a smaller shark as it swam in front of her, and it got caught in her back-curving teeth. She was lovely, as were the sea turtles, and the puffer fish, and the tangs, and the coral, and the darling black tip reef sharks.
Food adventures have abounded, as have phone interactions with Nathan. This has been wonderful. Spending time with two people I adore, arguing about Law.... I actually get to go to the Law School tonight to hang with 1Ls and enjoy the Great Debate. It's going to be amazing.
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| long time no see... how's your mom? anything new? well, here's with me... |
[14 Jun 2008|06:11pm] |
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mood |
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loved |
] |
I'm headed to Chicago Wednesday. Flying in at 10:45 am, staying until Thursday nite. Going to see the city a bit, spend some time... I'm going with Shaun, which is disturbing, but I'll muddle through I hope. The highlight of the trip will be going to see Paul from "Hotel Rwanda" speak. It will be impressive, I hope. I've missed feeling connected to that aspect of my life -- it will be wonderful to be back in that.
I have lost a considerable amount of weight. Mom now calls me "Skinny Minnie."
Work continues to be 12-14 hour days. I also have other responsibilities (like the dog sitting I am doing right this second) that are entertaining, though somewhat time consuming.
I need someone to believe in me again. I need to feel encouraged and inspired, and remember that I can, in fact, do what needs to be done. I'm so close to getting my book done. I should just sit down and do it. Maybe that's what I'll do with my week off in July -- I don't know. I miss being believed in. I don't mean by my friends.
These are the thoughts, these are the actions and movements. People so dear to me are just out of my hand's reach, and sad though that makes me, somehow I still stretch in hopes one day I feel their hands again. The world is changing, and I think I have a larger part to play yet in the way it is evolving. As it stands, I'm working on what I can.
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| the missing |
[19 May 2008|11:13am] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
] |
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music |
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Ryan Adams - "Desire" |
] |
I've missed people. My Aaron, for example.
I spent the majority of Saturday re-working friendships that had fallen to the side on my superhighway of life... I anticipate a change in my immediate future, and in order to get my priorities straight, I did my best to re-affirm how much I care about people, regardless of how much time we've spent together recently.
I also spent the day fighting with Stark. Not entertaining, though I think it was beneficial. He's winging his way to Italy right now, though for the life of me I cannot discern why I am sitting in the States as he's doing so. I think if I went there would be much bloodshed... and for once in my life I'm thoroughly convinced it would all be mine. Odd, isn't it?
I wish I had more exciting, engaging news to share. As it stands, I am preparing for a slew of visits from family and friends who have not been near me in ages. I've missed being this social, just as I've missed loving all the people I do. I know my life is changing, I know I am changing... it's a wonderful feeling and I'm proud of myself. I just cannot help the mild apprehension that as I change, I discover new worlds that may be far less wonderful than the one I can see right now.
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| Update |
[15 May 2008|08:23pm] |
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music |
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Jane, you ignorant slut |
] |
I spent three hours on a hike through a park in Joplin this past weekend. The boy was incredibly sweet, with a few notable exceptions.
Mom's doing ok. Not great, but ok. I'll take that.
Dad's doing good.
Chrissy is getting excited about her wedding. It's a little (lot) gross.
I'm wearing pants I haven't worn in over 3 years.
I think there are some things I will never understand. Like why I'm turning down the opportunity to fly to Italy to spend time with the boy while he's there. I'm an idiot. But I just can't.
In other news, I'm working on the job thing. I think I've got it sorted out.
I want a puppy. I'm house sitting right now, and these dogs are wonderful, but I would really love just one of my very own... a black and white shih-tzu named Elwood, for example.... ;)
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| quickie |
[20 Apr 2008|11:58am] |
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mood |
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loved |
] |
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music |
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Colbie Callet - "Magic" |
] |
I admit it, last week was a BAD week.
Today is a good day. I'm concerned that it is in no small part tied to the 3 hour conversation I had last night. I hate letting things like that change my perspective so drastically.
In other news, the KC trip is rapidly approaching and I am more than a little geared up for it. Friday night was fun, flirting with Bryan, and last night was a lovely chat, but I think surrounding myself with people who love me, regardless of whether or not Barley shows up, will be very positive.
Seeing Zach and Cari (though I'm fuzzy on if she gets to come) is going to be AMAZING, and I can't wait to play wif that puppy dog Maddie.... *sigh* I heart puppies.
Yes, I admit I'm in quite a bit of trouble in matters of the heart. I'm ignoring it. It's all going to be fine.
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| why did Auntie Jessie get drunk tonight? |
[17 Apr 2008|06:19pm] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
] |
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music |
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Lisa - "Where I'll Be" |
] |
Today has been a no good, horrible, very bad day.
I am ready to retire, or quit, or something. I need change.
Help me? Shoot me? Love me, and tell me the bad people who said "no one likes you" are wrong?
You don't have to do any of those things. I'll get over it. I just needed to say that I am more disappointed in myself, and the place I held so high, than previously possible.
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| outta my funk, into my element |
[11 Apr 2008|10:11am] |
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mood |
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loved |
] |
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music |
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Fiona Apple - "Paper Bag" |
] |
I didn't want to write again until I'd heard news, or at least calmed down enough to be rational.
Life is ok. Monitoring is going on. Everyone is sure I'm fine, except Barley amazingly enough. Isn't it funny that the one person I didn't want to tell is the one person who has the word-for-word identical reaction I had? But that is immaterial. I don't care; there are larger tragedies in life than the potential end of my time here. I would rather enjoy what time I do have than worry about what time I don't.
Who talks on the phone for 7 hours?! Who actually, honestly, stays on the phone with me for 7 hours?! AND THERE WERE NO LONG AWKWARD PAUSES! WTF, mate?! About 2 hours of texting, followed by 4 hours on the phone, and another hour of texting. WHAT THE HELL!
I can't help it, I'm a little excited today. Not only did I have another lengthy talk last night (with an admonishment to get in contact again this lovely Friday), but I also have a party tonight.
For one night only, in my itsy bitsy apartment, VEGAS NITE!!!! WOO HOO!!!
Ginger-lime chicken strips (cut up for ease of serving)
Tropical Shrimp Kabobs
Grilled Fruit
Veggie Platter (not me)
Chicken Wings (not me)
Dice-shaped Cheese Ball (not me)
Mojito Pitcher
Peppermint Ice Cream Pie with chocolate sauce
I think I plan a damn fine menu!!! The theme of the food I have control over is "green and rich." Tonite's entertainment includes the movie "Rounders" and lessons on how to play whatever style of poker is requested. I even called Danny last night to refresh some of the finer points of Omaha, though I HATE that damn style of play. I'd rather play pot limit stud, which incidentally makes me gag.
At any rate, I am VERY enthusiastic about tonight. I need to go buy the rest of the groceries and pray I have enough rum for everyone. This is gonna be GOOD.... ;)
Next week, Dr. Poppa Smurf is retiring. Technically, today is his last day. I am saddened by the prospect of this. I am also amused, as it gives me a solid opportunity to drink and be merry (with several young, handsome and unattached doctors) at a local hotspot. I'm thinking the black silk shirt, the dark jeans and the black stilettoes. *nods* I'm a bad, bad, bad girl. I just want to have a good time. I think this will accomplish it.
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| please remain calm |
[24 Mar 2008|10:25am] |
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mood |
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 scared |
] |
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music |
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The Fray - "How To Save A Life" |
] |
I get that I over-react.
This is not one of those times.
I won't go into details, and I'm not trying to scare anyone, but within the past week, I've had to deal with some very scary and very upsetting things. My Will is now a Legal Document, and my funeral arrangements have been addressed.
It's entirely possible these steps will be rendered unnecessary this week. I certainly hope that is the case.
If it is not, however, I do want to record for posterity the love I feel for all those reading this. I've been repeatedly assured that I will be fine and it will all be ok, but something in me isn't letting me fully believe that. I can't shake it, and I know enough to follow my heart on such strong hunches. I've been crying nearly non-stop for almost a week, and my family is handling this as best they can.
I love you. I promise I'm ok right now. I'll update more as I know it.
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| and some days are just beautiful |
[11 Mar 2008|06:05pm] |
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mood |
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 grateful |
] |
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music |
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That Colby Chick - "Bubbly" |
] |
Yesterday was a beautiful day. Snickers came to visit. We hung out, had a yummy lunch at Applebee's, then went and saw The Bank Job. I was impressed and amused with that particular film. We drove around and apartment hunted for her, then had dinner at the ASTOUNDINGLY AWESOME Irish Pub downtown.... *heart* Yeah, I'm in deep smit with that particular place.
Yes, I had a long and lovely discussion yesterday. Yes, I can't stop smiling about it. No, I haven't attempted contact since. Yes, I'm keeping my heart in check. No, I don't want to. Yes, everything will be great.
Stewie talks to you when you call my phone. Yay.
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| *happy sigh* |
[10 Mar 2008|10:20am] |
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mood |
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grateful |
] |
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music |
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Jack Johnson's new album |
] |
I cooked Jamaican Jerk Chicken with Spicy black beans and rice for Nanci on Saturday. Dessert was Peppermint Ice Cream pie with Chocolate sauce. Total calorie count for the FULL meal, including the 2 slices of pie we both had? 843. :) I am a badass and I love my "cooking lite" cook book.
The house is gorgeous. I mean, seriously, it's AMAZINGLY clean. I'm almost afraid to live there....
I woke up this morning and focused my eyes on my night stand. I'd forgotten that, in the middle of pictures and momentos, I'd placed the long stem white rose I was given in a bud vase. It was captivating, fragrant and gorgeous as I stretched and thought about my day.
I am a very lucky, very happy girl.
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| a Friday Five for fun |
[07 Mar 2008|10:41am] |
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mood |
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 predatory |
] |
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music |
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Dave Matthews Band - "Don't Drink The Water(Live)" |
] |
1. What is your all time favorite book?
A Moveable Feast - Ernest Hemingway
2. What is your all time favorite movie?
To Have And Have Not
3. What are you reading right now?
The Art of Happiness - His Holiness the Dalai Lama
4. What is your favorite show on tv?
These days, the only one I watch is the only one I'm ashamed to admit I watch.
5. What is the last movie you saw in the theater?
Sweeney Todd And I may go see The Bank Job this weekend, if only because I've fallen in smit with Jason Staitham.
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| a weekend of ruined plans and I couldn't be happier |
[04 Mar 2008|10:16am] |
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mood |
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loved |
] |
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music |
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Ryan Adams - "Desire" |
] |
That was, officially, without question, one of the best weekends I have had in so long I don't remember. Let's recap, shall we?
( Friday )
( Saturday )
( Sunday )
There are some weekend plans designed to be destroyed. I've never been happier with a ruined plan in my life.
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| quickie |
[29 Feb 2008|10:26am] |
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mood |
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 flirty |
] |
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music |
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Genesis - "Invisible Touch" |
] |
I'm excited about the weekend. Weekend getaways always appeal to me, and this one is going to be far more productive than my captor realizes! *muwahahahahaha* I will be available for comment via phone, but that's going to be about it... WOO HOO!!!
In other news, I love my new glasses. Getting an update in the look is miraculous, to say the least. New glasses (first pair in 4 years), hair got a fresh new look, lost a lot of weight and still losing... YAY! What can I say, except that I am proud of myself? I feel really great.
I'm quite certain I'll have a ton more to say soon, but for now I'm going to delve back into my happy world of daydreaming. Plotting is so much more fun these days... I can't really put my finger on why, but it's outstanding!
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| another grey day |
[27 Feb 2008|09:48am] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
] |
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music |
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Dido - "Hunter" |
] |
I thought of Meredith Gray this morning, saying, "I feel like I'm going to die today." There was a dusting of dry snow on my car as I regretted getting out of bed. Building some positive image of the day in my head, I kept returning to the idea that I really should have stayed asleep.
So far, the day has arrived piecemeal in flashes of happy and sad, reflecting the discordant attention I am currently capable of giving. I find myself taking walks in my mind, breathing the cold air deeper as I search the grey skies for hope. I find solace in the salt-and-pepper face of the heavens. No contract in the face of the sky demanding tears or a bright smile. These are the days I relish, when for a few moments I feel I'm allowed to disappear.
As I fade into the cityscape, my evening takes shape in my mind. I'll become a faceless traveler this evening, happily unknown in the neighborhood where two cats wait unknowingly for me. I will play with them, lavishing the love only a surrogate can provide, and attend to a couple small tasks I have promised to complete. I'll slip back to my own small corner of the world just before bed. As I drift off to dreams tonight, I'll look back on my day. There are developments I cannot forsee, there are changes I feel before I know. Today has been a day for change, and tonight I'll sleep on that.
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| random updates... |
[25 Feb 2008|06:59pm] |
Eamon got into the London School of Economics.
I got an offer from an editor to work on my book.
I got a new pair of glasses to go with the new hair.
Yeah, there's a boy, but we're not getting overly excited about that because we've seen what happens in the past...
Cappotelli is doing REALLY well... I'm incredibly encouraged by his progress. The brain scans show nothing surprising, and the limited loss of function is really a positive sign. There are moments in my life when a smile starts in my heart and goes all the way to the outside... this is one of those times.
My brother is getting married. My sister is getting married. My nephew's mom is getting married. It's disturbing.
My world continues to move more quickly than I realize. I hope all works out well.
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| Friday Five (a bit belated) |
[23 Feb 2008|03:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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J. Holiday - "Bed" |
] |
Name five...
1. ... things you can't live without.
cell phone
internet access
laughter
puppies
food
2. ... of the best moments in your life.
the birth of my nephew
the birth of my niece
graduating from college
my mother and father telling me they're proud of me
Valentine's Day, 2008
3. ... celebrities you can't stand.
Wow, I actually blanked on this one....
4. ... books you enjoy(ed) reading.
"Snow" Orhan Pamuk
"The Idiot" Fyodor Dostoyevsky
"By Myself (And Then Some)" Lauren Bacall
"The Husband" Dean Koontz
"Odd Thomas" "Forever Odd" "Brother Odd" Dean Koontz (it's a series damnit, it counts as one)
5. ... items in your purse/backpack/on your desk.
Picture of my nephew
Picture of my niece
Picture of Jeff
lip gloss
computer
Location: currently floating somewhere between Cloud 9 and over the moon....
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| MMUN |
[20 Feb 2008|06:27pm] |
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mood |
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hopeful |
] |
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music |
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Sixpence None The Richer - "Runaway" |
] |
How long has it been? Over a week?
I have a Steering Position at Model UN now. Doesn't mean much to outsiders, but for those of us Staffers who can't seem to let go, it's a huge deal. It means that I'm a member of the committee Steering the Conference next year. I'm in an incredibly good mood about that.
I met someone at Conference. Name's Jeff. Sweet, funny, handsome, bright... says he's interested in me, too. I'm trying not to get too excited about it. Going slow is a good idea I tend to overlook, and this one is more than good enough to make me want to go VERY slowly.
Work is good. Had a great talk with The Boss today. We'll see how well it works, but eh. Can't patch every leak the Titanic ever had... The 2 "we hate your procedure" doctors adore me. Especially Dr. Cranky-Pants, who today took to teasing me in a most affectionate manner. Enough to make a girl blush, I swear.
This is my quickie update. Hopefully I'll be more thorough and less prosaic when next I write.
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